1. Tom Traubert's Blues (Four Sheets To The Wind In Copenhagen)
2. Step Right Up
3. Jitterbug Boy
4. I Wish I Was In New Orleans
5. The Piano Has Been Drinking (Not Me)
6. Invitation To The Blues
7. Pasties And a G-String
8. Bad Liver And A Broken Heart
9. The One That Got Away
10. Small Change (Got Rained On With His Own .38)
11. I Can't Wait To Get Off Work (And See My Baby On Montgomery Avenue)
2. Step Right Up
3. Jitterbug Boy
4. I Wish I Was In New Orleans
5. The Piano Has Been Drinking (Not Me)
6. Invitation To The Blues
7. Pasties And a G-String
8. Bad Liver And A Broken Heart
9. The One That Got Away
10. Small Change (Got Rained On With His Own .38)
11. I Can't Wait To Get Off Work (And See My Baby On Montgomery Avenue)
TOM TRAUBERT’S BLUES
Wasted and wounded, it ain't what the moon did
I got what I paid for now
See ya tomorrow, hey Frank can I borrow
A couple of bucks from you
To go waltzing Matilda, waltzing Matilda, you'll go waltzing Matilda with me
I'm an innocent victim of a blinded alley
And I'm tired of all these soldiers here
No one speaks English, and everything's broken
And my Stacys are soaking wet
To go waltzing Matilda, waltzing Matilda, you'll go waltzing Matilda with me
Now the dogs are barking and the taxi cabs parking
A lot they can do for me
I begged you to stab me you tore my shirt open
And I'm down on my knees tonight
Old Bushmills I staggered, you buried the dagger in
Your silhouette window light
To go waltzing Matilda, waltzing Matilda, you'll go waltzing Matilda with me
Now I've lost my St. Christopher, now that I've kissed her
And the one-armed bandit knows
And the maverick Chinaman, and the cold-blooded signs
And the girls down by the strip tease shows go
Waltzing Matilda, waltzing Matilda, you'll go waltzing Matilda with me
No I don't want your sympathy the fugitives say
That the streets aren't for dreaming now
Manslaughter dragnets and the ghosts that sell memories
They want a piece of the action anyhow go
Waltzing Matilda, waltzing Matilda, you'll go waltzing Matilda with me
And you can ask any sailor, and the keys from the jailer
And the old men in wheelchairs know
That Matilda's the defendant, she killed about a hundred
And she follows wherever you may go
Wltzing Matilda, waltzing Matilda, you'll go waltzing Matilda with me
And it's a battered old suitcase to a hotel someplace
And a wound that will never heal
No prima donna, the perfume is on
An old shirt that is stained with blood and whiskey
And goodnight to the street sweepers the night watchman flame keepers
And goodnight Matilda, too
STEP RIGHT UP
Step right up step right up step right up
Everyone's a winner bargains galore
That's right you too can be the proud owner
Of the quality goes in before the name goes on
One-tenth of a dollar, one-tenth of a dollar, we got service after sales
You need perfume? We got perfume, how 'bout an engagement ring?
Something for the little lady something for the little lady
Something for the little lady hmm
Three for a dollar
We got a year-end clearance we got a white sale
And a smoke-damaged furniture you can drive it away today
Act now act now and receive as our gift our gift to you
They come in all colors one size fits all
No muss no fuss no spills you're tired of kitchen drudgery
Everything must go going out of business going out of business, going out of business sale
Fifty percent off original retail price skip the middle man
Don't settle for less
How do we do it how do we do it volume volume turn up the volume
Now you've heard it advertised don't hesitate
Don't be caught with your drawers down
Don't be caught with your drawers down
You can step right up step right up
That's right, it filets it chops it dices slices
Never stops lasts a lifetime mows your lawn
And it mows your lawn and it picks up the kids from school
It gets rid of unwanted facial hair
It gets rid of embarrassing age spots
It delivers a pizza and it lengthens and it strengthens
And it finds that slipper that's been at large under the chaise lounge for several weeks
And it plays a mean Rhythm Master
It makes excuses for unwanted lipstick on your collar
And it's only a dollar step right up it's only a dollar step right up
'Cause it forges your signature
If not completely satisfied mail back unused portion of product
For complete refund of price of purchase
Step right up
Please allow thirty days for delivery don't be fooled by cheap imitations
You can live in it live in it laugh in it love in it
Swim in it sleep in it
Live in it swim in it laugh in it love in it
Removes embarrassing stains from contour sheets that's right
And it entertains visiting relatives it turns a sandwich into a banquet
Tired of being the life of the party?
Change your shorts change your life change your life
Change into a nine-year-old Hindu boy get rid of your wife
And it walks your dog and it doubles on sax
Doubles on sax you can jump back Jack see you later alligator
See you later alligator
And it steals your car
It gets rid of your gambling debts it quits smoking
It's a friend and it's a companion
And it's the only product you will ever need
Follow these easy assembly instructions it never needs ironing
Well it takes weights off hips bust thighs chin midriff
Gives you dandruff and it finds you a job it is a job
And it strips the phone company free take ten for five exchange
And it gives you denture breath
And you know it's a friend and it's a companion
And it gets rid of your traveler's checks
It's new it's improved it's old-fashioned
Well it takes care of business never needs winding
Never needs winding never needs winding
Gets rid of blackheads the heartbreak of psoriasis
Christ you don't know the meaning of heartbreak buddy
C'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon
'Cause it's effective it's defective it creates household odors
It disinfects it sanitizes for your protection
It gives you an erection it wins the election
Why put up with painful corns any longer?
It's a redeemable coupon no obligation no salesman will visit your home
We got a jackpot jackpot jackpot prizes prizes prizes all work guaranteed
How do we do it how do we do it how do we do it how do we do it
We need your business we're going out of business
We'll give you the business
Get on the business end of our going-out-of-business sale
Receive our free brochure free brochure
Read the easy-to-follow assembly instructions batteries not included
Send before midnight tomorrow terms available
Step right up step right up step right up
You got it buddy the large print giveth and the small print taketh away
Step right up you can step right up you can step right up
C'mon step right up
Get away from me kid you bother me
Step right up step right up step right up
C'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon
Step right up you can step right up c'mon and step right up
C'mon and step right up
JITTERBUG BOY
Well I'm a jitterbug boy by the shoe-shine resting on my laurels and my Hardy's too
Life of Riley on the swing shift girls follow my drift
Once upon a time I was in show biz too
I’ve seen the Brooklyn Dodgers playin at Ebbets Field
Seen the Kentucky Derby too
It's fast women, slow horses, I'm reliable sources
And I'm holding up a lamp post if you want to know
I've seen the Wabash Cannonball buddy, I've done it all
Because I slept with the lions and Marilyn Monroe
Had breakfast in the eye of a hurricane
Fought Rocky Marciano played Minnesota Fats
Burned hundred dollar bills I eaten Mulligan stew
Got drunk with Louis Armstrong what's that old song
I taught Mickey Mantle everything that he knows
And so you'll ask me what I'm doin here
Holdin up a lamp-post
Flippin this quarter trying to make up my mind
And if it's heads I'll go to Tennessee, and tails I'll buy a drink
If it lands on the edge I'll keep talkin to you
I WISH I WAS IN NEW ORLEANS
Well, I wish I was in New Orleans
I can see it in my dreams
Arm in arm down Burgundy
A bottle and my friends and me
Hoist up a few tall cool ones
Play some pool and listen
To that tenor saxophone calling me home
And I can hear the band begin
“When The Saints Go Marching In”
By the whiskers on my chin
New Orleans I'll be there
I'll drink you under the table
Be red nose go for walks
The old haunts what I wants
Is red beans and rice
And wear the dress I like so well
Meet me at the old saloon
Make sure there's a Dixie moon
New Orleans, I'll be there
And deal the cards roll the dice
If it ain't that ole Chuck E. Weiss
And Clayborn Avenue me and you Sam Jones and all
And I wish I was in New Orleans
‘Cause I can see it in my dreams
Arm in arm down Burgundy
A bottle and my friends and me
New Orleans, I'll be there
THE PIANO HAS BEEN DRINKING (NOT ME)
The piano has been drinking
My neck tie is asleep
And the combo went back to New York
The jukebox has to take a leak
And the carpet needs a haircut
And the spotlight looks like a prison break
‘cause the telephone is out of cigarettes
And the balcony is on the make
And the piano has been drinking
The piano has been drinking
And the menus are all freezing
And the lightman's blind in one eye
And he can't see out of the other
And the piano tuner's got a hearing aid
And showed up with his mother
And the piano has been drinking
The piano has been drinking
‘cause the bouncer is a Sumo wrestler
Cream-puff casper milk toast
And the owner is a mental midget
With the I.Q. of a fencepost
‘cause the piano has been drinking
The piano has been drinking
And you can't find your waitress
With a Geiger counter
And she hates you and your friends and you just
Can't get served without her
And the box-office is drooling
And the bar stools are on fire
And the newspapers were fooling
And the ashtrays have retired
‘cause the piano has been drinking
The piano has been drinking
The piano has been drinking
Not me, not me, not me, not me, not me
INVITATION TO THE BLUES
Well she's up against the register
With an apron and a spatula
With yesterday's deliveries
And the tickets for the bachelors
She's a moving violation
From her conk down to her shoes
But it's just an invitation to the blues
And you feel just like Cagney
Looks like Rita Hayworth
At the counter of the Schwab's Drugstore
You wonder if she might be single
She's a loner likes to mingle
Got to be patient and pick up a clue
She said, how you gonna like ‘em,
Over medium or scrambled?
‘cause anyways the only way
Be careful not to gamble
On a guy with a suitcase
And a ticket gettin’ out of here
It's a tired bus station
And an old pair of shoes
‘cause it ain't nothin but an invitation to the blues
But you can't take your eyes off her
Get another cup of java
And it's just the way she pours it for you jokin’ with the customers
Mercy mercy Mr. Percy
There ain't nothin back in Jersey
But a broken down jalopy
Of a man I left behind
And a dream that I was chasin’
And a battle with the booze
And an open invitation to the blues
But she's had a sugar daddy
And a candy apple caddy
A bank account and everything
Accustom to the finer things
He probably left her for a socialite
He didn't love her cept at night
And then he's drunk and never
Even told her that he cared
So they took the registration
And the car keys and her shoes
And left her with an invitation to the blues
But there's a Continental Trailways leaving
Local bus tonight, good evening
You can have my seat I'm stickin round here for awhile
Get me a room at the Squire
And the fillin station's hirin
Now I can eat here every night, what the hell have I got to lose?
Got a crazy sensation
Go or stay, and I got to choose
And i'll accept your invitation to the blues
PASTIES AND A G-STRING
Smellin’ like a brewery lookin’ like a tramp
Ain't got a quarter got a postage stamp
And a five o'clock shadow boxing all around the town
Talking with the old men sleeping on the ground
Bazanti bootin’ al zootin’ al hoot and Al Cohn
Sharin’ this apartment with a telephone pole
And it's a fish net stockings spike heel shoes
Strip tease, prick tease car kease blues
And the porno floor show live nude girls
Dreamy and creamy and the brunette curls
Chesty Morgan, and a Watermelon Rose
Raise my rent and take off all your clothes
With the trench coats magazines a bottle full of rum
She's so good, it make a dead man cum,
Pasties and a g-string beer and a shot
Portland through a shot glass and a Buffalo squeeze
Wrinkles and cherry and twinky and pinky
And Fifi live from Gay Paree
Fanfares rim shots backstage who cares
All this hot burlesque for me
Doobee daba, doobee daba, doobee zyzay
Doobee dara squizee zabo didi zaya
Cleavage cleavage thighs and hips
From the nape of her neck to the lips tick lips
Chopped and channeled and lowered and lewd
And the cheater slicks and baby moons
She's a-hot and ready, creamy and sugared
And the band is awful and so are the tunes
Doobee za be loobee zyzay be zyzay
Doobie la be loobee zyzay be zyan
Crawlin’ on her belly and shakin’ like jelly
And I'm gettin’ harder than Chinese algebrassieres
Cheers from the compendium here
Hey sweet heart they're yellin’ for more
Squashin’ out your cigarette butts on the floor
And I like Shelly you like Jane
What was the girl with the snakeskin’s name
It's an early bird matinee come back any day
Getcha little some that cha can't get at home
Getcha little some that cha can't get at home
It’s pasties and a g-string beer and a shot
Portland through a shot glass and a Buffalo squeeze
Popcorn front row higher than a kite
And i'll be back tomorrow night
And i'll be back tomorrow night
Doobee daba, doobee daba, doobee zyzay
Doobee dara squizee zabo didi zaya
BAD LIVER AND A BROKEN HEART
Well I got a bad liver and a broken heart
Yeah I drunk me a river since you tore me apart
And I don't have a drinking problem ‘cept when I can't get a drink
And I wish you'll know now we were quite a pair
She was sharp as a razor and soft as a prayer
So welcome to the continuing saga
She was my better half and I’s just a dog
And so here I am slumped
I been chippied and I been chumped on my stool
So buy this fool, some spirits and libations
It's these railroad station bars
And all these conductors and the porters
And I'm all out of quarters
And this epitaph is the aftermath
Yea I choose my path, hey come on Cath
He's a lawyer he ain't the one for ya
Knows the moon ain't romantic, it's intimidating as hell
And some guy's tryin to sell me a watch
And so I'll meet you at the bottom of a bottle of bargain scotch
I got me a bottle and a dream
It's so maudlin it seems
You can name your poison
Go on ahead and make some noise I ain't sentimental
This ain't a purchase it's a rental and it's purgatory
Hey what's your story, well I don't even care
‘Cause I got my own double-cross to bear
And I'll see your Red Label, and I’ll raise you one more
And you can pour me a cab I just can't drink no more
‘Cause it don't douse the flames
That are started by dames it ain't like asbestos
It don't do nothing but rest us assured
And substantiate the rumors that you've heard
THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY
Well, this gigolo is jumpin' salty, ain't no trade out on the streets
Half past the unlucky, and the hawk's a front-row seat
Dressed in full orchestration, stage-door Johnny's got to pay
And send him home and talkin' about the one that got away
Could have been on Easy Street, could have been a wheel
With irons in the fire and all them business deals
But the last of the big time losers shouted before he drove away
'I'll be right back, as soon as I crack the one that got away'
The ambulance drivers they don't give a shit, they just wanna get off work
And the short stop and the victim already gone berserk
And the shroud tailor measures him for a deep six holiday
The stiff is froze, the case is closed on the one that got away
Now Jim Crow's directin' traffic with them cemetery blues
With them peculiar looking trousers, them old Italian shoes
And a wooden kimona was all ready to drop in San Francisco Bay
But he's mumblin' something all about the one that got away
Costello was the champion at the St. Moritz Hotel
And the best this side of Fairfax, reliable sources tell
But his reputation is at large, and he's at Ben Frank's every day
Waiting for the one that got away
He's got a snake skin sports shirt, and he looks like Vincent Price
With a little piece of chicken, and he's carvin' off a slice
Someone tipped her off, and she'll be doin' a Houdini now any day
She shook his hustle, and a Greyhound bus'll take the one that got away, well
Andre's at the piano behind the Ivar in the Sewers
With a buck a shot for pop tunes, and a fin for guided tours
He could've been in 'Casablanca', he stood in line out there all day
Now he's spillin' whiskey and learnin' songs about the one that got away
Well, I've lost my equilibrium and my car keys and my pride
The tattoo parlor's warm, and so I hustle there inside
And the grindin' of the buzz-saw, 'What you want that thing to say?'
I say, 'Just don't misspell her name, buddy, she's the one that got away'
SMALL CHANGE
Small Change got rained on with his own thirty-eight
And nobody flinched down by the arcade
And the marquees weren't weeping, they went stark raving mad
And the cabbies were the only ones that really had it made
And his cold trousers were twisted, and the sirens high and shrill
And crumpled in his fist was a five-dollar bill
And the naked mannequins with their Cheshire grins
And the raconteurs and roustabouts said, Buddy, come on in, ‘cause...
‘Cause the dreams ain't broken down here now, they're walking with a limp
Now that Small Change got rained on with his own thirty-eight
And nobody flinched down by the arcade
And the burglar alarm's been disconnected and the newsmen start to rattle
And the cops are telling jokes about some whorehouse in Seattle
And the fire hydrants plead the Fifth Amendment
And the furniture is bargains galore
But the blood is by the jukebox on an old linoleum floor
And what a hot rain on 42nd Street, and now the umbrellas ain't got a chance
And the newsboy's a lunatic with stains on his pants, ‘cause...
‘Cause Small Change got rained on with his own thirty-eight
And no one's gone over to close his eyes
And there's a racing form in his pocket, circled 'Blue Boots' in the third
And the cashier at the clothing store didn't say a word
As the siren tears the night in half, and someone lost his wallet
Well, it's surveillance of assailants, if that's what you wanna call it
And the whores hike up their skirts and fish for drugstore prophylactics
With their mouths cut just like razor blades and their eyes are like stilettos
And her radiator's steaming and her teeth are in a wreck
Nah, she won't let you kiss her, but what the hell did you expect?
And the Gypsies are tragic and if you want to buy perfume
Well, they'll bark you down like carneys, sell you Christmas cards in June, but...
But Small Change got rained on with his own thirty-eight
And his headstone's a gumball machine
No more chewing gum or baseball cards or overcoats or dreams
Someone's hosing down the sidewalk, and he's only in his teens, ‘cause...
‘Cause Small Change got rained on with his own thirty-eight
And a fistful of dollars can't change that
And someone copped his watch fob, and someone got his ring
And the newsboy got his pork-pie Stetson hat
And the tuberculosis old men at the Nelson wheeze and cough
And someone will head south until this whole thing cools off, ‘cause...
‘Cause Small Change got rained on with his own thirty-eight, yeah
Small Change got rained on with his own thirty-eight
I CAN’T WAIT TO GET OFF WORK
I don't mind working, ‘cause I used to be jerking off
Most of my time in the bars
I've been a cabbie and a stock clerk and a soda-fountain jock-jerk
And a manic mechanic on cars
It's nice work if you can get it, now who the hell said it?
I got money to spend on my girl
But the work never stops, and I'll be busting my chops
Working for Joe and Sal
And I can't wait to get off work and see my baby
She said she'd leave the porch light on for me
I'm disheveled and I'm disdainful
And I'm distracted and it's painful
But this job sweeping up here is gainfully employing me tonight
Well, "Tom, do this" and "Tom, do that" and "Tom, don't do that"
"Count the cash, clean the oven, dump the trash"
Oh, your loving is a rare and a copacetic gift
And I'm a moonlight watchmanic, it's hard to be romantic
Sweeping up over by the cigarette machine
Sweeping up over by the cigarette machine
I can't wait to get off work and see my baby
She'll be waiting up with a magazine for me
"Clean the bathrooms and clean 'em good"
Oh, your loving, I wish you would
Come down here and sweep me off my feet
This broom'll have to be my baby
If I hurry, I just might get off before the dawn's early light
Wasted and wounded, it ain't what the moon did
I got what I paid for now
See ya tomorrow, hey Frank can I borrow
A couple of bucks from you
To go waltzing Matilda, waltzing Matilda, you'll go waltzing Matilda with me
I'm an innocent victim of a blinded alley
And I'm tired of all these soldiers here
No one speaks English, and everything's broken
And my Stacys are soaking wet
To go waltzing Matilda, waltzing Matilda, you'll go waltzing Matilda with me
Now the dogs are barking and the taxi cabs parking
A lot they can do for me
I begged you to stab me you tore my shirt open
And I'm down on my knees tonight
Old Bushmills I staggered, you buried the dagger in
Your silhouette window light
To go waltzing Matilda, waltzing Matilda, you'll go waltzing Matilda with me
Now I've lost my St. Christopher, now that I've kissed her
And the one-armed bandit knows
And the maverick Chinaman, and the cold-blooded signs
And the girls down by the strip tease shows go
Waltzing Matilda, waltzing Matilda, you'll go waltzing Matilda with me
No I don't want your sympathy the fugitives say
That the streets aren't for dreaming now
Manslaughter dragnets and the ghosts that sell memories
They want a piece of the action anyhow go
Waltzing Matilda, waltzing Matilda, you'll go waltzing Matilda with me
And you can ask any sailor, and the keys from the jailer
And the old men in wheelchairs know
That Matilda's the defendant, she killed about a hundred
And she follows wherever you may go
Wltzing Matilda, waltzing Matilda, you'll go waltzing Matilda with me
And it's a battered old suitcase to a hotel someplace
And a wound that will never heal
No prima donna, the perfume is on
An old shirt that is stained with blood and whiskey
And goodnight to the street sweepers the night watchman flame keepers
And goodnight Matilda, too
STEP RIGHT UP
Step right up step right up step right up
Everyone's a winner bargains galore
That's right you too can be the proud owner
Of the quality goes in before the name goes on
One-tenth of a dollar, one-tenth of a dollar, we got service after sales
You need perfume? We got perfume, how 'bout an engagement ring?
Something for the little lady something for the little lady
Something for the little lady hmm
Three for a dollar
We got a year-end clearance we got a white sale
And a smoke-damaged furniture you can drive it away today
Act now act now and receive as our gift our gift to you
They come in all colors one size fits all
No muss no fuss no spills you're tired of kitchen drudgery
Everything must go going out of business going out of business, going out of business sale
Fifty percent off original retail price skip the middle man
Don't settle for less
How do we do it how do we do it volume volume turn up the volume
Now you've heard it advertised don't hesitate
Don't be caught with your drawers down
Don't be caught with your drawers down
You can step right up step right up
That's right, it filets it chops it dices slices
Never stops lasts a lifetime mows your lawn
And it mows your lawn and it picks up the kids from school
It gets rid of unwanted facial hair
It gets rid of embarrassing age spots
It delivers a pizza and it lengthens and it strengthens
And it finds that slipper that's been at large under the chaise lounge for several weeks
And it plays a mean Rhythm Master
It makes excuses for unwanted lipstick on your collar
And it's only a dollar step right up it's only a dollar step right up
'Cause it forges your signature
If not completely satisfied mail back unused portion of product
For complete refund of price of purchase
Step right up
Please allow thirty days for delivery don't be fooled by cheap imitations
You can live in it live in it laugh in it love in it
Swim in it sleep in it
Live in it swim in it laugh in it love in it
Removes embarrassing stains from contour sheets that's right
And it entertains visiting relatives it turns a sandwich into a banquet
Tired of being the life of the party?
Change your shorts change your life change your life
Change into a nine-year-old Hindu boy get rid of your wife
And it walks your dog and it doubles on sax
Doubles on sax you can jump back Jack see you later alligator
See you later alligator
And it steals your car
It gets rid of your gambling debts it quits smoking
It's a friend and it's a companion
And it's the only product you will ever need
Follow these easy assembly instructions it never needs ironing
Well it takes weights off hips bust thighs chin midriff
Gives you dandruff and it finds you a job it is a job
And it strips the phone company free take ten for five exchange
And it gives you denture breath
And you know it's a friend and it's a companion
And it gets rid of your traveler's checks
It's new it's improved it's old-fashioned
Well it takes care of business never needs winding
Never needs winding never needs winding
Gets rid of blackheads the heartbreak of psoriasis
Christ you don't know the meaning of heartbreak buddy
C'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon
'Cause it's effective it's defective it creates household odors
It disinfects it sanitizes for your protection
It gives you an erection it wins the election
Why put up with painful corns any longer?
It's a redeemable coupon no obligation no salesman will visit your home
We got a jackpot jackpot jackpot prizes prizes prizes all work guaranteed
How do we do it how do we do it how do we do it how do we do it
We need your business we're going out of business
We'll give you the business
Get on the business end of our going-out-of-business sale
Receive our free brochure free brochure
Read the easy-to-follow assembly instructions batteries not included
Send before midnight tomorrow terms available
Step right up step right up step right up
You got it buddy the large print giveth and the small print taketh away
Step right up you can step right up you can step right up
C'mon step right up
Get away from me kid you bother me
Step right up step right up step right up
C'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon
Step right up you can step right up c'mon and step right up
C'mon and step right up
JITTERBUG BOY
Well I'm a jitterbug boy by the shoe-shine resting on my laurels and my Hardy's too
Life of Riley on the swing shift girls follow my drift
Once upon a time I was in show biz too
I’ve seen the Brooklyn Dodgers playin at Ebbets Field
Seen the Kentucky Derby too
It's fast women, slow horses, I'm reliable sources
And I'm holding up a lamp post if you want to know
I've seen the Wabash Cannonball buddy, I've done it all
Because I slept with the lions and Marilyn Monroe
Had breakfast in the eye of a hurricane
Fought Rocky Marciano played Minnesota Fats
Burned hundred dollar bills I eaten Mulligan stew
Got drunk with Louis Armstrong what's that old song
I taught Mickey Mantle everything that he knows
And so you'll ask me what I'm doin here
Holdin up a lamp-post
Flippin this quarter trying to make up my mind
And if it's heads I'll go to Tennessee, and tails I'll buy a drink
If it lands on the edge I'll keep talkin to you
I WISH I WAS IN NEW ORLEANS
Well, I wish I was in New Orleans
I can see it in my dreams
Arm in arm down Burgundy
A bottle and my friends and me
Hoist up a few tall cool ones
Play some pool and listen
To that tenor saxophone calling me home
And I can hear the band begin
“When The Saints Go Marching In”
By the whiskers on my chin
New Orleans I'll be there
I'll drink you under the table
Be red nose go for walks
The old haunts what I wants
Is red beans and rice
And wear the dress I like so well
Meet me at the old saloon
Make sure there's a Dixie moon
New Orleans, I'll be there
And deal the cards roll the dice
If it ain't that ole Chuck E. Weiss
And Clayborn Avenue me and you Sam Jones and all
And I wish I was in New Orleans
‘Cause I can see it in my dreams
Arm in arm down Burgundy
A bottle and my friends and me
New Orleans, I'll be there
THE PIANO HAS BEEN DRINKING (NOT ME)
The piano has been drinking
My neck tie is asleep
And the combo went back to New York
The jukebox has to take a leak
And the carpet needs a haircut
And the spotlight looks like a prison break
‘cause the telephone is out of cigarettes
And the balcony is on the make
And the piano has been drinking
The piano has been drinking
And the menus are all freezing
And the lightman's blind in one eye
And he can't see out of the other
And the piano tuner's got a hearing aid
And showed up with his mother
And the piano has been drinking
The piano has been drinking
‘cause the bouncer is a Sumo wrestler
Cream-puff casper milk toast
And the owner is a mental midget
With the I.Q. of a fencepost
‘cause the piano has been drinking
The piano has been drinking
And you can't find your waitress
With a Geiger counter
And she hates you and your friends and you just
Can't get served without her
And the box-office is drooling
And the bar stools are on fire
And the newspapers were fooling
And the ashtrays have retired
‘cause the piano has been drinking
The piano has been drinking
The piano has been drinking
Not me, not me, not me, not me, not me
INVITATION TO THE BLUES
Well she's up against the register
With an apron and a spatula
With yesterday's deliveries
And the tickets for the bachelors
She's a moving violation
From her conk down to her shoes
But it's just an invitation to the blues
And you feel just like Cagney
Looks like Rita Hayworth
At the counter of the Schwab's Drugstore
You wonder if she might be single
She's a loner likes to mingle
Got to be patient and pick up a clue
She said, how you gonna like ‘em,
Over medium or scrambled?
‘cause anyways the only way
Be careful not to gamble
On a guy with a suitcase
And a ticket gettin’ out of here
It's a tired bus station
And an old pair of shoes
‘cause it ain't nothin but an invitation to the blues
But you can't take your eyes off her
Get another cup of java
And it's just the way she pours it for you jokin’ with the customers
Mercy mercy Mr. Percy
There ain't nothin back in Jersey
But a broken down jalopy
Of a man I left behind
And a dream that I was chasin’
And a battle with the booze
And an open invitation to the blues
But she's had a sugar daddy
And a candy apple caddy
A bank account and everything
Accustom to the finer things
He probably left her for a socialite
He didn't love her cept at night
And then he's drunk and never
Even told her that he cared
So they took the registration
And the car keys and her shoes
And left her with an invitation to the blues
But there's a Continental Trailways leaving
Local bus tonight, good evening
You can have my seat I'm stickin round here for awhile
Get me a room at the Squire
And the fillin station's hirin
Now I can eat here every night, what the hell have I got to lose?
Got a crazy sensation
Go or stay, and I got to choose
And i'll accept your invitation to the blues
PASTIES AND A G-STRING
Smellin’ like a brewery lookin’ like a tramp
Ain't got a quarter got a postage stamp
And a five o'clock shadow boxing all around the town
Talking with the old men sleeping on the ground
Bazanti bootin’ al zootin’ al hoot and Al Cohn
Sharin’ this apartment with a telephone pole
And it's a fish net stockings spike heel shoes
Strip tease, prick tease car kease blues
And the porno floor show live nude girls
Dreamy and creamy and the brunette curls
Chesty Morgan, and a Watermelon Rose
Raise my rent and take off all your clothes
With the trench coats magazines a bottle full of rum
She's so good, it make a dead man cum,
Pasties and a g-string beer and a shot
Portland through a shot glass and a Buffalo squeeze
Wrinkles and cherry and twinky and pinky
And Fifi live from Gay Paree
Fanfares rim shots backstage who cares
All this hot burlesque for me
Doobee daba, doobee daba, doobee zyzay
Doobee dara squizee zabo didi zaya
Cleavage cleavage thighs and hips
From the nape of her neck to the lips tick lips
Chopped and channeled and lowered and lewd
And the cheater slicks and baby moons
She's a-hot and ready, creamy and sugared
And the band is awful and so are the tunes
Doobee za be loobee zyzay be zyzay
Doobie la be loobee zyzay be zyan
Crawlin’ on her belly and shakin’ like jelly
And I'm gettin’ harder than Chinese algebrassieres
Cheers from the compendium here
Hey sweet heart they're yellin’ for more
Squashin’ out your cigarette butts on the floor
And I like Shelly you like Jane
What was the girl with the snakeskin’s name
It's an early bird matinee come back any day
Getcha little some that cha can't get at home
Getcha little some that cha can't get at home
It’s pasties and a g-string beer and a shot
Portland through a shot glass and a Buffalo squeeze
Popcorn front row higher than a kite
And i'll be back tomorrow night
And i'll be back tomorrow night
Doobee daba, doobee daba, doobee zyzay
Doobee dara squizee zabo didi zaya
BAD LIVER AND A BROKEN HEART
Well I got a bad liver and a broken heart
Yeah I drunk me a river since you tore me apart
And I don't have a drinking problem ‘cept when I can't get a drink
And I wish you'll know now we were quite a pair
She was sharp as a razor and soft as a prayer
So welcome to the continuing saga
She was my better half and I’s just a dog
And so here I am slumped
I been chippied and I been chumped on my stool
So buy this fool, some spirits and libations
It's these railroad station bars
And all these conductors and the porters
And I'm all out of quarters
And this epitaph is the aftermath
Yea I choose my path, hey come on Cath
He's a lawyer he ain't the one for ya
Knows the moon ain't romantic, it's intimidating as hell
And some guy's tryin to sell me a watch
And so I'll meet you at the bottom of a bottle of bargain scotch
I got me a bottle and a dream
It's so maudlin it seems
You can name your poison
Go on ahead and make some noise I ain't sentimental
This ain't a purchase it's a rental and it's purgatory
Hey what's your story, well I don't even care
‘Cause I got my own double-cross to bear
And I'll see your Red Label, and I’ll raise you one more
And you can pour me a cab I just can't drink no more
‘Cause it don't douse the flames
That are started by dames it ain't like asbestos
It don't do nothing but rest us assured
And substantiate the rumors that you've heard
THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY
Well, this gigolo is jumpin' salty, ain't no trade out on the streets
Half past the unlucky, and the hawk's a front-row seat
Dressed in full orchestration, stage-door Johnny's got to pay
And send him home and talkin' about the one that got away
Could have been on Easy Street, could have been a wheel
With irons in the fire and all them business deals
But the last of the big time losers shouted before he drove away
'I'll be right back, as soon as I crack the one that got away'
The ambulance drivers they don't give a shit, they just wanna get off work
And the short stop and the victim already gone berserk
And the shroud tailor measures him for a deep six holiday
The stiff is froze, the case is closed on the one that got away
Now Jim Crow's directin' traffic with them cemetery blues
With them peculiar looking trousers, them old Italian shoes
And a wooden kimona was all ready to drop in San Francisco Bay
But he's mumblin' something all about the one that got away
Costello was the champion at the St. Moritz Hotel
And the best this side of Fairfax, reliable sources tell
But his reputation is at large, and he's at Ben Frank's every day
Waiting for the one that got away
He's got a snake skin sports shirt, and he looks like Vincent Price
With a little piece of chicken, and he's carvin' off a slice
Someone tipped her off, and she'll be doin' a Houdini now any day
She shook his hustle, and a Greyhound bus'll take the one that got away, well
Andre's at the piano behind the Ivar in the Sewers
With a buck a shot for pop tunes, and a fin for guided tours
He could've been in 'Casablanca', he stood in line out there all day
Now he's spillin' whiskey and learnin' songs about the one that got away
Well, I've lost my equilibrium and my car keys and my pride
The tattoo parlor's warm, and so I hustle there inside
And the grindin' of the buzz-saw, 'What you want that thing to say?'
I say, 'Just don't misspell her name, buddy, she's the one that got away'
SMALL CHANGE
Small Change got rained on with his own thirty-eight
And nobody flinched down by the arcade
And the marquees weren't weeping, they went stark raving mad
And the cabbies were the only ones that really had it made
And his cold trousers were twisted, and the sirens high and shrill
And crumpled in his fist was a five-dollar bill
And the naked mannequins with their Cheshire grins
And the raconteurs and roustabouts said, Buddy, come on in, ‘cause...
‘Cause the dreams ain't broken down here now, they're walking with a limp
Now that Small Change got rained on with his own thirty-eight
And nobody flinched down by the arcade
And the burglar alarm's been disconnected and the newsmen start to rattle
And the cops are telling jokes about some whorehouse in Seattle
And the fire hydrants plead the Fifth Amendment
And the furniture is bargains galore
But the blood is by the jukebox on an old linoleum floor
And what a hot rain on 42nd Street, and now the umbrellas ain't got a chance
And the newsboy's a lunatic with stains on his pants, ‘cause...
‘Cause Small Change got rained on with his own thirty-eight
And no one's gone over to close his eyes
And there's a racing form in his pocket, circled 'Blue Boots' in the third
And the cashier at the clothing store didn't say a word
As the siren tears the night in half, and someone lost his wallet
Well, it's surveillance of assailants, if that's what you wanna call it
And the whores hike up their skirts and fish for drugstore prophylactics
With their mouths cut just like razor blades and their eyes are like stilettos
And her radiator's steaming and her teeth are in a wreck
Nah, she won't let you kiss her, but what the hell did you expect?
And the Gypsies are tragic and if you want to buy perfume
Well, they'll bark you down like carneys, sell you Christmas cards in June, but...
But Small Change got rained on with his own thirty-eight
And his headstone's a gumball machine
No more chewing gum or baseball cards or overcoats or dreams
Someone's hosing down the sidewalk, and he's only in his teens, ‘cause...
‘Cause Small Change got rained on with his own thirty-eight
And a fistful of dollars can't change that
And someone copped his watch fob, and someone got his ring
And the newsboy got his pork-pie Stetson hat
And the tuberculosis old men at the Nelson wheeze and cough
And someone will head south until this whole thing cools off, ‘cause...
‘Cause Small Change got rained on with his own thirty-eight, yeah
Small Change got rained on with his own thirty-eight
I CAN’T WAIT TO GET OFF WORK
I don't mind working, ‘cause I used to be jerking off
Most of my time in the bars
I've been a cabbie and a stock clerk and a soda-fountain jock-jerk
And a manic mechanic on cars
It's nice work if you can get it, now who the hell said it?
I got money to spend on my girl
But the work never stops, and I'll be busting my chops
Working for Joe and Sal
And I can't wait to get off work and see my baby
She said she'd leave the porch light on for me
I'm disheveled and I'm disdainful
And I'm distracted and it's painful
But this job sweeping up here is gainfully employing me tonight
Well, "Tom, do this" and "Tom, do that" and "Tom, don't do that"
"Count the cash, clean the oven, dump the trash"
Oh, your loving is a rare and a copacetic gift
And I'm a moonlight watchmanic, it's hard to be romantic
Sweeping up over by the cigarette machine
Sweeping up over by the cigarette machine
I can't wait to get off work and see my baby
She'll be waiting up with a magazine for me
"Clean the bathrooms and clean 'em good"
Oh, your loving, I wish you would
Come down here and sweep me off my feet
This broom'll have to be my baby
If I hurry, I just might get off before the dawn's early light
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